Relationships by sadlilelf

Many among us, frustrated from the deceptions we face in day to day life, make a choice to remain isolated; to turn ourselves into an island which is inaccessible to the world. We let no one build a bridge to it and/or anchor their ships on it. Eventually, we end up in a situation where guarding ourselves and our tormenting secrets becomes so much of a priority that we become irritated at the slightest amount of good behavior from anyone because we consider it an attempt of invasion. We metamorphose ourselves into a Loner.

When one attempts to justify such behavior, it can be rather sincerely justified with a myopic vision but when one attempts to look through the hourglass of time, he can notice the disastrous consequences that may arise.

A general human tendency is to avoid bad experiences. And when one discovers that many relationships that he cherishes in life are also a major source of bad experiences (because no relationship can exist without ups and downs), he tries to disconnect from these sources. If not managed properly, this can result in a mutual loss of warmth. Because the relationship is already going through a ‘down’ moment; the lack of communication at this stage leads to further slackening of the bonds and then snapping back of one or of both the parties into their respective cocoons.

If a person is going through hard times, this process can easily occur in most, even all, his relationships (though it may happen in superficially different manners) and the resultant cocoon can give birth to the ‘island’ — A Loner.

The Loner, at this stage, becomes the happiest person. The shards of the broken relationships are stepped over and it seems to him that an entire new World full of (often materialistic) opportunity has opened up. Everything seems achievable because the ”perceived’ shackles of old relationships no longer exist. And the Loner jumps for it. He starts afresh, slogging through the day to achieve the ambitions.

But this happiness is short-lived. In order to achieve any ambition, social interaction is necessary. This is where the trouble begins again. As we have no one close, even when we make mistakes (which every human does), no one is there to point it out. I am not saying that we need a guide for every decision we make. I am saying that even the most perfect of humans make mistakes because what they consider correct may be wrong from some other perspective.

The fault of a Lonesome existence is the lack of a neutral and/or opposing perspective. We perceive the world the way we grew up looking at it and not the way others did. So what for me is a garden hose may actually be the elephant’s trunk in the big picture.

Hence, it is necessary for us to understand that healthy social interactions with multiple persons in various healthy settings are an essential for healthy living. It helps us in learning and respecting different perspectives. This in no sense requires a modification of perspective if it is already healthy. But if your perspective is unhealthy, and you are making mistakes due to it, you are free to manufacture one by reaching logical conclusions from what you learnt from the discussions.

One may argue that this kind of interaction does not necessitates a real emotional bonding between two people and settings like workplaces, schools and parties are enough for a healthy living. But what we fail to realise is the fact that some aspects of our perspective are so deeply engrained (such as our understanding of love and friendship, of honesty and of our duties) that it needs to be constantly (and humbly) challenged to bring about a positive change. It also requires a lot of struggle to modify these often life-long understandings; which one can only cope with when there is a person who affirms the positive changes and supports even when things seem to be going wrong. It, also, has to be mutual: both the people in the relationship have to accept each others perspective and try to work out a common, undoubtedly better, perspective. [This is the reason that the institutions of marriage and friendship are held in high esteem: because two different people from two different backgrounds come together and create a harmony.]

Therefore, we’ll modify our perspective and add to the requirements for healthy living making it, “healthy social interactions with multiple persons in various healthy settings at all levels of emotional attachment“.

In the end, I shall address the issue of ‘downs’ in any relationship. Whenever there is a down, question yourself. In most cases, the down is a result of events that took place because of mismatched perspectives. So instead of challenging the person, it is better to challenge your own and his perspective in a humble manner. Even in the worst case, when either of you are unable to modify it for the better; at least, both of will have an understanding, hence a sense of respect, for each others perspective.

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‘Success is a journey not destination’ is an oft-repeated adage.

On what criteria do I select that route is not clear to most.
In route selection Stephen Covey’s thoughts—‘everyone is busy climbing the success ladder. No one pauses to think whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall’—makes a lot of sense to me.

Unfortunately we grow up developing ‘warped understanding of success’—high percentage signifies good education; post for School Captain/Prefect; be competitive not cooperative; obtaining certificate of merit in a field, popularity of which, ironically, depends upon herd mentality; winning debates & gold medals; admission in branded colleges; pursuing career through IIMs, IITs, Medical colleges, Central Services, Defense Services; quantum of affluence etc.

Should one be event-focused in pursuing success? In that case the related moot point is—as human beings what is more important ‘Being’ or ‘Doing’? Recently two senior bureaucrats (IFS) were recalled from foreign assignments for gross misconduct—domestic violence and sexual harassment.
Involvement of senior Officers of Defense Services, Bureaucrats & Police in Scams have sullied the image of respective organizations. Though great ‘doers’ professionally, do they symbolize success? In other words, by steering away from ‘Being’ to ‘Doing’ alone can anyone be successful? I do not think so!

To quote Albert Einstein “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

Personally, I have learned the lessons of life only after I left the school. We are creatures of our values and character. Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” Somehow such profound perspective fades into irrelevance against the growing focus on Money, Power & Status!

Whereas each one has the right to have perspectives, how realistically one can pursue it is the question. One more nebulous yet popular perception on success is—seeking happiness & contentment!

We are never taught the art of dealing with adversities although real success stories are replete with failures like that of Albert Einstein, Swami Vivekananda, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, Mother Teresa, APJ Abdul Kalam, Thomas Edison, Nelson Mandela, Aung Sung Sui Ki to name few. On failure one experienced teacher had this to say after retirement—the word ‘failure’ should be removed from the dictionary. There is nothing known as failure, it is only ‘delayed success’! What a perceptive comment! In the words of a youth icon, perceived as a future Noble laureate, “emerging ten times stronger after failing would be success for her”.

Students’ Perspectives:
Class 8 student: “success is of three types—what I think is success, what others think is success and what is real success?” Another point of view of a class 9 student was “attaining one’s goal is not success because my goal may be to murder someone. But that is not success”. “I do not know what success is. But I think it has something to do with the soul” stated a Class 9 student.

How the hackneyed and archaic education system and Value Consensus (Money, Power & Status) of society would impact such young mind of good thinkers in future is a matter of concern. How to harness the potential of youth to facilitate cogent understanding of success is the question?

Dichotomy of Life.

“First I was dying to finish high school and start college. And then I was dying to finish college and start working. Then I was dying to marry and have children. And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could go back to work. But then I was dying to retire. And now I’m dying. And suddenly I realized I forgot to live”. Anonymous.

If that be the pattern of rat race for success, then one would remain a rat at the end of it!
When Do I Come to Know Whether I am Successful? Only on completion of the race can one know the result to evaluate the degree of success. In context of life, one can remain in a denial mode or confusion until confronted with a mega crisis or old age afflictions whichever is earlier! In retrospect, one need not wait that long to make course correction in life!

My Perspective
Rather ironical yet true that post-retirement from the Army, my life was cruising along aimlessly until the age of 60! The understanding on success evolved as this ‘much talked about but least understood topic’ featured frequently during workshops and while interacting with others—students as well as adults.

“Choosing to enter into the arena of action, determined to give yourself to that cause which will better mankind and last for eternity. Nothing is successful that does not contribute in a positive way to help people.”

Excerpt from the book ‘Be All You Can Be’ by John C. Maxwell enabled me to develop more clarity. I have every reason to believe from my own experience that success would remain a chimera until internalization of a well-defined Purpose of Life. The challenge is to discover one’s Purpose of Life by asking the right questions based on principle-centered thinking and life style.

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Image by Thes Horror

Choices have a great impact on ones future. A stark contrast can be seen in the way two contemporary cricketers pursued their career. Sachin Tendulkar and Vinod Kambli started their career at the same time. Sachin, as is known by all and sundry, chose to dedicate himself to the sport. Kambli however, could not resist the temptations brought in by the glamour of this sport. Whereas the once promising Kambli has now got lost in the woods, the longevity of Sachin’s career and the cachet he commands can be attributed to his goal-centric approach.

Temptations may be followed by malaises viz. debauchery, decadence and complacency, all of which can have detrimental effects. Therefore the importance of making the right decisions become all the more important for successful and blissful living. Most of the times, what we choose, is guided more by what we allow the others to choose for us, directly or indirectly. Doing the things that are de riguer gives social sanctions to our actions. Becoming a part of the herd is an easy option than to carve one’s own destiny or to explore one’s own path. Making a “tough choice”, as the collocation suggests, is difficult as there are no short cuts to success and it is not an instant coffee process. Perseverance is the key in such decisions. On the other hand, giving in to temptations and short term desires, is ersatz to making tough choices. Not only are these temptations ephemeral in nature, they add nothing to the character and personality of a person. These can be compared to the candyfloss which melts away as soon as it is consumed and the size of which is no indication of the small amount of substance it contains.

One takes things for granted, and even without a cursory thought jump into actions. Everything that one chooses to do or say has consequences, positive or negative. Therefore one must always weigh his options well and preempt the consequences before he gives in to a temptation or makes an important decision.

Cover Image : Rockyspringsster

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“Do not accept any doctrine from reverence, but first try it as gold is tried by fire”. – Buddha in Kalama Sutta.

I have been wondering what to believe and what not to believe. The answers are sometimes difficult, often contradictory raising the confusion and the agony of ignorance.

To question the belief and then search for answers has been the a challenge that remains most difficult. Some people confuse this with a doubting nature or on the extreme classify the attitude as cynical. The degree of difficulty in explaining the ideology is far too high when the alternate choice of remaining quiet is far too easy. Hence, it is obviously easier to be tagged as a cynic or a suspicious person rather than trying to explain one’s perception. The quest is very personal. People will have similarity of thinking on most of the average day to day way of life. But to really start questioning everything is not to doubt, but to be fully convinced of oneself. Only then the faith is deeper and the inspiration to pursue so great that you carry on even if the rest of the world remains out of sync.

I could not reach any worthwhile answer for this quest that would allow me to tell anyone appropriately that my questions are not due to cynicism or suspicion but purely due to my satisfaction which will grant me the courage of conviction to do the right thing. The ideology of the Kalama Sutta may offer to make people understand.

Meanwhile, the quest continues without malice but in the right earnest.

Cover Image Credit : purple-rx

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I called up my friend and asked a very simple question,”Why is it that we need ‘friends’ in life?”
Here is what I got:

“We need friends to grow. Grow strong. Spiritually and Mentally. They help us face the challenges of everyday life, to understand the ‘bad’ world and make us aware of the fact that instead of so many negativity around, there are positive things in this world such as trust and love.

“They help us to grow out of the protective cocoons that our parents make for us. They give us the ‘various’ perspectives we need to know our shortcomings and our strengths. They understand the strangest emotions we go through, they help us move out of the dirtiest mess we may create but also remember to reprimand us for it later.

“In short, they make us a better Human. Though they make sure that we don’t grow into an emotionless creature who becomes a dog in this ‘dog eat dog’ world yet they prepare us to face it.”
“I am there for you”

I was silent. And in that silence, I felt that I have understood what it meant to be friends.

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There is a very nice Arabic story “There lived a fakir in a desert and once during a chilly night a camel came to him and said:
“dear sir kindly let me put my nose in your room it is very cold outside”
The fakir agreed thinking “after all what is the harm in letting this camel put his nose inside the room it won’t occupy that much space” Slowly and steadily the camel started entering the attic until,he came totally inside.

Now the fakir asked him “hey now what will I do ?”. To which the camel replied “just get out from here”. Such is the case with all of us we sometimes labor hard to keep ourselves good but sometimes we allow the bad thoughts to first put their nose inside our minds and we don’t even realize until they occupy it completely and then ward off the goodness from it.

These are the few things that I picked up very recently for effective thinking. Firstly the thinking should be sharp, by sharp thinking is meant that thinking which cuts through the crusts of appearances or else we get deluded and deceived by them. As it said in hindi “jo dikhta hai who hai nahi aur jo hai who dikhta nahi”. There is another very famous fable of Trojan Horse to explain what I want to say.

This is how it goes:
“In ancient times there was a province in Greek by the name of Trojan and it was almost invincible due to the high walls surrounding it. In the famous battle of Troy the enemies tried something different to penetrate into the city. They built a very large wooden horse and hid themselves inside it and placed it outside the gates of Trojan. People of Trojan found it very attractive and thought it to be a gift from gods. They got deceived by the looks and brought this horse inside the Trojan……….alas! During the night time the soldiers of enemy came out from it and captured Trojan.”

Then our thinking should be deep as it gives clarity. It should be strong, sometimes only right thinking is not sufficient, for example I know that eating oily and sweet things is not good for me as they add on to obesity and when these things are offered to me my mind does reminds me about the consequences but the temptation takes the charge over right thinking. Hence it is very important for right thinking to be strong. Another very important aspect of thinking is that it should be vigilant and we all know about the consequences we might have to face without being vigilant about things.

License : CC BY-SA 2.0

The next aspect of thinking is that it should be fast. Sometimes we need to take decisions very quickly for example we cannot just stay on cross roads thinking about which road to take. There is a nice analogy to explain what makes us think slowly. Sometimes our computer slows down due to many unwanted programs running in the background. Same goes with our mind there are many unwanted thoughts running in the background due to which we are not able to concentrate intensely on the things which are more important to us. So it is very important to learn to remove unwanted thought programs so as to improve the efficiency of our mind.

Thinking should also be comprehensive which means that we should not hold on to our ideas just because of our ego but should continue to learn from others as long as they make sense to our faculty of reason.

A lot has been said about thinking but in the end I will like to say that though thinking is a very important tool that is given to us but at the same time it has its own limitations.

And it is said that “the most intelligent thinker is the one who knows the limitations of thinking”.

PS: this article is dedicated to my sweet, loving and naughty friend Yagya. Thank you so much for your insistence to make me write

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But I tried to find a way to encounter this question and definitely everybody who is close to me helps me intentionally or unintentionally to find answers to these kinds of complicated questions about life. I found the answers after a sojourn with myself; when I did a small journey of mine or did a self talk with myself in solitude.

I found the great peace which I had not experienced before.

Ironically, in our life we ignore happiness which comes in small packets. We search for happiness in the materialistic world. This, I realised, when for the first time, I demanded a video game from my father. I forced him a lot to buy this make-me-happy tool. But soon I realised that this tool took me far from my father. Before the coming of this unprecedented gadget in my life I would have long conversations with my father and would feel very happy. This was the first and small indication by God but I completely ignored it.

Later, another incident which was really a big lesson for me, taught me the ultimate goal of my life. My father was transferred to Delhi, meaning that he would only be able to come once a year to Dehradun.

My father would bring many accessories for me, whenever he came. But indeed it would not give me pleasure. Interestingly the thing which made me happy or satisfied;that thing was moving around me all the time. And when I did notice that thing, it totally surprised me.

It was none other than my friends and my near and dear ones.

It’s shocking but true that most people seek happiness in the materialistic world. There are many minute things which give us a feeling of contentment. If you radiate happiness everywhere, if you bring the smile to a person who is sad, if you give the gift of encouragement to the one who is depressed  – it will give you the real happiness and on that I can bet on anytime. One thing which you all must try is that just make yourself an empty box and listen to every person who has been unheard for so long.

Just try it out and then see the change.

Your piggy-bank of happiness which you feel it is empty will certainly fill up, in a moment.

Image credit – roarysea

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I am convinced that all of us will like to have a contended and peaceful end to our lives. But the question that needs to be answered is – can we achieve a peaceful end without having peace in the present moment and without living the present day with joy, meaning and enthusiasm or in other words can we achieve the right end without paying attention to the means that lead to it?

Today one of my student called up and as we were talking he made and interesting statement and said “Sir you know most of us earn but do not live, we keep on saving for tomorrow and think that we will live tomorrow but alas! That tomorrow never comes”. How beautifully an 18 year old boy described the present state of affairs. The fact of this statement can be verified by our behavior (because our behavior when we are not under supervision reflects our state of mind) and I witness it when I am on road (we all know about the menace and chaos of traffic).

Then how easily we get into accusation mode “these politicians have ruined the nation, there is so much of corruption everywhere, this thing is to be improved, that thing has to be changed, this person should know how to behave” and the list can just go on and on……..but what about us, when we are not in the best of our behavior aren’t we being the source of hurt to someone, aren’t we causing chaos in our own way, then does it not become our moral responsibility to first create a good environment within, to create peace and happiness within.

We all seek meaning, contentment in our lives, we all seek to grow and I will like to narrate a small story in context of what I say:
Somewhere in USA one person on the occasion of new-year was selling personal diaries, each for 20$, making very little profit. At the same place there was another person selling the same diary each for 15$ as a result sales of the other person went down. So the first person went to the second person and this is how their conversation took place:

First Person:“Dear sir we are selling the same diary and I know that I hardly make profit by selling it for 20$ then how come you are making profit out of them”
Second Person: “Well I am a student of Psychology”
First Person: “Now how does that matter even if you have studied Psychology”
Second Person: “let me explain you” said the other person “You must be having 31 pages in your diary for the month of January”
First Person: “yes”
“Well even I have 31 pages in the month of January, then 28 pages for Feb, then 31 pages for March but thereafter the number goes down, I do not have full 30 pages for the month of April and so on because I know the psychology of people and I know that they make resolve of writing it throughout the year but none writes it for more than few days. Well now you see you are having 365 pages in your diary but I on the other hand is having only 270 pages, that makes the whole difference”. We make commitments but how much of them do we keep?

“Everybody wants to change the world but nobody wants to change himself”
-Leo Tolstoy

Let us then take initiatives, make good resolves and if we haven’t made any then let’s make one today and keep it, and stay committed to it until we see its end.

A good and devout man arranges in his mind the things he has to do, not according to the whims of evil inclination but according to the dictates of right reason. Who is forced to struggle more than he who tries to master himself? This ought to be our purpose, then: to conquer self, to become stronger each day, to advance in virtue.
- Imitation of the Christ

It requires a Hero’s will to walk on the path of righteousness but can we ever achieve a good end of life without right living? I will like to end this write up with a beautiful quote from a great book Imitation of the Christ.

If men used as much care in uprooting vices and implanting virtues as they do in discussing problems, there would not be so much evil and scandal in the world, or such laxity in religious organizations. On the day of judgment, surely, we shall not be asked what we have read but what we have done; not how well we have spoken but how well we have lived.

Thanks for reading the article patiently.

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Doesn’t the word (God fearing) sounds contradictory to the title?Let me explain.

This question must have cropped in a crore of minds; minds of those who are really concerned about the Welfare: Welfare for the country, for themselves, for others etc. Frankly speaking, I ask this as I am worried about me and my family.

Do not misunderstand me and label me as a self centered person. In fact, maybe, when I am talking about myself I know that this conversation will stand true for all in general, thus concerned about the welfare of our country as a whole.

Many instances have happened whence I started becoming skeptical about  God’s existence.

Bribery, law and order failures, rapes, shoot-outs, dacoity, kidnappings, homicides, child abuse, accidents, miseries, blah blah! and n-number of in-disciplinary actions occur so many times before our eyes.

Our fathers, fore fathers and great grand fathers had been reiterating since ages that there is God and we accepted their statement without questioning them. But now, when I see around me I start questioning myself – Does God Exist?

If yes then where is He? Was he born Only to Create this Universe? Why did my elders say “We should fear God, there is delay not darkness in Gods palace, he is looking on us and noting all misdeeds happening down here, etc”.

Why then are the culprits roaming scott free and die a king’s death without anything bad happening to them? Why isn’t God severely punishing them as He should be noting down their misdeeds? Why are honest and like people suffering more than those who are involved in abject activities? Why is God sitting idle and not giving some sense to these Culprits?

Why is the graph of illegal activities rising steeply on daily basis? Where has the Utopian concept disappeared? Has God also got tuned to today’s ‘just carry on status’ or is He following ‘greater the offerings greater the secuirty’?

There is an old saying – ” to prove something any number of examples are insufficient but to condemn it only one is enough ”

As I have put forward quite a few reasons to contradict the existence of God, we should now start believing the fact that -

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GOD WAS HERE TO CREATE UNIVERSE AND NOW HE NO LONGER EXISTS? WE SHOULD NOT FEAR HIM? CORRECT?

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Any contradictions ? If yes please convince me as these questions are being posed by my kids who nowadays do not take things out-rightly as we did and they are surely considered to be considerate for the welfare of our country.

We need to guide them in a practical manner.

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