Relationships by sadlilelf

Many among us, frustrated from the deceptions we face in day to day life, make a choice to remain isolated; to turn ourselves into an island which is inaccessible to the world. We let no one build a bridge to it and/or anchor their ships on it. Eventually, we end up in a situation where guarding ourselves and our tormenting secrets becomes so much of a priority that we become irritated at the slightest amount of good behavior from anyone because we consider it an attempt of invasion. We metamorphose ourselves into a Loner.

When one attempts to justify such behavior, it can be rather sincerely justified with a myopic vision but when one attempts to look through the hourglass of time, he can notice the disastrous consequences that may arise.

A general human tendency is to avoid bad experiences. And when one discovers that many relationships that he cherishes in life are also a major source of bad experiences (because no relationship can exist without ups and downs), he tries to disconnect from these sources. If not managed properly, this can result in a mutual loss of warmth. Because the relationship is already going through a ‘down’ moment; the lack of communication at this stage leads to further slackening of the bonds and then snapping back of one or of both the parties into their respective cocoons.

If a person is going through hard times, this process can easily occur in most, even all, his relationships (though it may happen in superficially different manners) and the resultant cocoon can give birth to the ‘island’ — A Loner.

The Loner, at this stage, becomes the happiest person. The shards of the broken relationships are stepped over and it seems to him that an entire new World full of (often materialistic) opportunity has opened up. Everything seems achievable because the ”perceived’ shackles of old relationships no longer exist. And the Loner jumps for it. He starts afresh, slogging through the day to achieve the ambitions.

But this happiness is short-lived. In order to achieve any ambition, social interaction is necessary. This is where the trouble begins again. As we have no one close, even when we make mistakes (which every human does), no one is there to point it out. I am not saying that we need a guide for every decision we make. I am saying that even the most perfect of humans make mistakes because what they consider correct may be wrong from some other perspective.

The fault of a Lonesome existence is the lack of a neutral and/or opposing perspective. We perceive the world the way we grew up looking at it and not the way others did. So what for me is a garden hose may actually be the elephant’s trunk in the big picture.

Hence, it is necessary for us to understand that healthy social interactions with multiple persons in various healthy settings are an essential for healthy living. It helps us in learning and respecting different perspectives. This in no sense requires a modification of perspective if it is already healthy. But if your perspective is unhealthy, and you are making mistakes due to it, you are free to manufacture one by reaching logical conclusions from what you learnt from the discussions.

One may argue that this kind of interaction does not necessitates a real emotional bonding between two people and settings like workplaces, schools and parties are enough for a healthy living. But what we fail to realise is the fact that some aspects of our perspective are so deeply engrained (such as our understanding of love and friendship, of honesty and of our duties) that it needs to be constantly (and humbly) challenged to bring about a positive change. It also requires a lot of struggle to modify these often life-long understandings; which one can only cope with when there is a person who affirms the positive changes and supports even when things seem to be going wrong. It, also, has to be mutual: both the people in the relationship have to accept each others perspective and try to work out a common, undoubtedly better, perspective. [This is the reason that the institutions of marriage and friendship are held in high esteem: because two different people from two different backgrounds come together and create a harmony.]

Therefore, we’ll modify our perspective and add to the requirements for healthy living making it, “healthy social interactions with multiple persons in various healthy settings at all levels of emotional attachment“.

In the end, I shall address the issue of ‘downs’ in any relationship. Whenever there is a down, question yourself. In most cases, the down is a result of events that took place because of mismatched perspectives. So instead of challenging the person, it is better to challenge your own and his perspective in a humble manner. Even in the worst case, when either of you are unable to modify it for the better; at least, both of will have an understanding, hence a sense of respect, for each others perspective.

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1. A conversation about friendship
2. Attraction | Infatuation | Love .:. Which one is it ???

Mother of a class X student, in fact, advised her son to cheat.

Feedback from students is alarming as almost everyone cheats during exams!

Purpose of Education—Existing

• To score high marks while in school/college—commercial hub patronizing tuition centers.
• To become achievers of money, power & status
• Question—Does this purpose contribute towards maintaining good health and healthy relationships? Introspection of ground realities would establish enormity of the dissatisfaction level!
• What Should Be The Purpose? Clear understanding on certain Principles of Life may be the determining factor. Principles of life:-
• What is more important—‘Human Being’ or ‘Human Doing’?
• According to a luminary in this field, purpose of education is primarily two—1) to teach students the difference between rights and wrongs and 2) teach them to develop the ability of choosing right over wrong.
• Who am I and what have I been created for?
• In context of the thoughts (akin to those of Gurudev Rabindranath Tagore and others) of Albert Einstein “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. Try not to become a man of success but a man of value”, what is the relevance of pursuing formal education?

We all need to do out of the box thinking to find solution! Wish I had all the answers.

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1. A Good College Vs Inner Values
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More than 70% of Punjab’s youth is addicted to drugs. A multi million dollar drug nexus operating under the noses of the Border Security Force, The Directorate of Revenue Intelligence, The Narcotics Control Bureau and the Intelligence Bureau, leaving them as mere bystanders…

The following short film is an eye-opener. Get ready to be shocked by the truth.This is happening in India. This is happening at a scale that is unbelievable. This is happening to our youth.
Please share this link – http://thedyc.org/blog/drugs-youth-and-punjab-glut/ with others and spread awareness !
You can also hit the Facebook Like button at the end of the article to share this article/video.
Thanks.

Copyright @ N7Films & Doodle Works 2011

Further Reading

• Punjab’s drugs epidemic
• 8-year-olds taking to drugs in Punjab

Cover photo credit
Article photo credit

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I called up my friend and asked a very simple question,”Why is it that we need ‘friends’ in life?”
Here is what I got:

“We need friends to grow. Grow strong. Spiritually and Mentally. They help us face the challenges of everyday life, to understand the ‘bad’ world and make us aware of the fact that instead of so many negativity around, there are positive things in this world such as trust and love.

“They help us to grow out of the protective cocoons that our parents make for us. They give us the ‘various’ perspectives we need to know our shortcomings and our strengths. They understand the strangest emotions we go through, they help us move out of the dirtiest mess we may create but also remember to reprimand us for it later.

“In short, they make us a better Human. Though they make sure that we don’t grow into an emotionless creature who becomes a dog in this ‘dog eat dog’ world yet they prepare us to face it.”
“I am there for you”

I was silent. And in that silence, I felt that I have understood what it meant to be friends.

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We have a centre where young people can hang out,meet other people, play sports, read, etc all in a healthy and safe environment.In addition, we offer counseling services for anyone who may want to talk to us about issues or challenges in their lives.
We have a team of volunteers trained to work with young people.In the eleven years since we opened, we feel that the needs of youth have really changed drastically especially since the advent of the internet.

We want our services to be relevant to today’s youth.We want to better understand what and where the youth of today are turning to for entertainment, friendship, etc.
One of the pitfalls of all the recent technological developments has been the host of negative influences that the youth today face thanks to the effects of television, internet, etc. We want to understand what these influences are and how young people are coping with them.

We are therefore conducting an online survey.
If you are a school or college student between the age group of 13-23 and Indian, then you are eligible to take the survey.
If you are not eligible to take the survey then you can do your bit by sharing this link [ http://bit.ly/dycsurvey ] on Facebook, Twitter, Orkut, email with others who are eligible.

You will notice that it is completely anonymous and the information shared will be totally confidential.
We would appreciate your honesty and openess in answering as some of the questions are quite bold and upfront.
Only by giving us real answers can we better serve you.

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But I’ve been thinking about how I choose to “present myself”.

It’s so easy on a public domain such as Facebook to pick and choose what we reveal about ourselves, what we choose to post on others walls, what we choose to put as our “status updates”. We can construct ourselves in a careful and planned way so that we are able to present only the best.

It’s the exact opposite of real family and community. When you live and share your life with people it’s impossible to hide the “bad bits”. They overflow out of us, often with no control. We put ourselves in a place of vulnerability when we let others see the darkness that’s within us. But we also put ourselves in a place to grow in our relationships, and allow other people to bring out all our potential. This is often when we feel truly alive.

What are your thoughts on this?

//

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I just finished watching one episode each of Chak Dhoom Dhoom and Dance India Dance, both airing simultaneously. It is quite rare for me to be watching TV and not be watching National Geographic, Discovery, Animal Planet and/or Fox History on it. Well good that I did watch these two for a change, for something was waiting to be unlearned.

Ever since these shows started , some years back, I have held the same opinion about them. NO GOOD, mostly.

They attract a few passionate and many lost.
Hello, not everyone can be a professional singer ! Not everyone can be a professional dancer ! Not everyone can be a celebrity ( liked I really cared that , that’s what people want to be also ) !

My friend the expression “everyone” in India usually translates into a huge number , given the fact that we are many many many here. This means many go back home disappointed ,crying, disillusioned and sometimes ready to die (suicidal I mean) !

The effect that these shows have on kids and parents is phenomenal. Many a dream is born and most shattered.Once shattered, then what ? Good question as I ask myself too .

The answer is not all that great. Like I said before, it can be suicidal also. The hype and the focus are so great that the consequences of losing are devastating. Our kids don’t know how to lose and our parents are only making things worse.

It’s interesting how the judges at such shows give “quick fix” answers to losing candidates ! Oh, boy “quick fixes” don’t work.

I also wonder what’s wrong with the parents ? If it’s not for your child then it’s not for your child. Don’t try to make it his or hers. ! But they never seem to get that. Tonnes of pressure on kids to perform and do exceedingly well and nothing else. To encourage a child to be all that he/she can be as against this one or two things, is what the parents should be doing. It’s just some reality show. It’s not the end of your child’s life or his/her career. Sort of reminds me of the kick-butt movie ” 3 Idiots “, where one the idiots narrates that within minutes of his birth his father had already declared what his son would take up as a career ! Moronic or what ?

Enough bashing. Here’s the turn along the road.

Boy, I did see some very very talented kids from really really poor backgrounds getting the opportunity ! That excited me and I watched on. I saw these very passionate dancers from severely poverty stricken backgrounds getting the chance to make things happen. And that was good. They did well and were recognized and things seemed to be fitting for me. I saw extreme passion in them and tonnes of hopes clinging onto this one chance. My heart melted to see India’s talent that has no chance.

I understand that parallel to this, some singing reality shows too provided a chance to hidden talent from the financially poor backgrounds. I liked that and all of this made me re-think .Things had to be unlearned.

There were some monkey advertisements that played during the shows, which I would like to talk about in another post ( specially that jumping jack Akshay Kumar going ” Button Khula Hai ” ).

My wife and I are planning for kids next year. I pray we can do things right and better as parents. Those would be our 2 cents.

P.S. Originally posted by me on my personal blog here

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The discussion was about political corruption. And the Yaksha Prashna (read as: million dollar question) was that given the corrupt political system that we Indians have, should one vote or not?

I was very vehement in stating that since everybody is corrupt, it is a good idea not to vote. At least, at the end of the day you would have the satisfaction of saying that I was no way a part of something that will eventually do much wrong.

Most of us agreed that the only solution was a focus on ethics…a system of education wherein one can understand the significance of values. And the hope rests in our generation…seeing more integrity of character enter into politics rather than being absorbed by the IIMs and IITs.

But the question still held. The change can’t come overnight; and the returns can only come in the future. So what should one do now? Vote or stay away?

One of the perspectives that surfaced was that we should all support the mission of values, which will be a continuous process; and as of now, vote for somebody who’s less corrupt. It sounded like a reasonable solution to me. It seemed like an answer. End of the day, I forgot about the whole discussion.

But today, as I was riding to appear in my exam, the thought came up again. The question felt sharper. Now the question was: HOW CAN ONE FIND OUT WHO IS LESS CORRUPT ?

Apart from being  very politically aware, there is no other way to uncover reality. And even then, the doubts may still linger. Are the media reporting facts or are they opinionated & biased?

Often, the choice is not – whether to vote for Madhu Koda or not? Those are high profile cases. In general we have lesser known candidates to choose from. One way to make up your mind is go by the political party’s name, make the inference based on its image. Another important question is that what is the standing of the candidate within the party? He may be a mere instruction follower (I refrain from using the word “puppet”).

I mean I can go on & on about the questions that the situation poses.

Also, corruption has no absolutes. Finding out who is less corrupt is almost impossible, and it is a very relative concept. Who’s better…the guy who ate a pie worth Rs. XXX crore out of the funds allocated for public welfare…or the guy whose negligence led to a mishap which killed XXX number of people? Mind you, the Rs. XXX crore also kills relentlessly;one can check the statistics on the number of deaths due to poverty and hunger; a glimpse:

I’m in a dilemma; I must admit. How do I carry out my responsibility and keep my conscience clear at the same time?  Hence, I beckon you all to come up with a solution.

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This is a famous quote of Pink Floyd.

All of us have dreams. All of us have an idea of how we want our life to be. We imagine and romanticize various situations in our life well before in advance. Because no matter how much we talk of living in the present all of us do think about future and plan it.

Some are concrete and practical plans but for the situations which are not in our hands, we, subconsciously, tend to make a rough idea of how that situation will unfold in our life.

For instance, we do imagine about our future love.

Whom we’ll meet or who will fall for us is not in anyone’s control. But as a young person, we do shape our own love stories in our mind.

Peer influence has a major role to play in this. When we see most of your friends or peer group hanging around with their girlfriends/boyfriends, we do tend to feel that someday I’ll be at their place and then it’s going to be like this.

Knowingly or unknowingly we do make an imagination of this need of ours. Then there may come a time when we feel that everyone has it and not me…intentionally or unintentionally we wait for that moment…that phase to come in our life.

And in case of love, during this waiting period whosoever comes across and shows interest, one feels yes it has come now. The search is over.

(The unpronounced feelings here are: Even I am in the league. I am not apart from the group)

And then in the relationship, the person tends to live the idea that he already had in his mind about his love life and not the real relationship.

We are in a hurry to live the phases that apparently everyone else is going through. We do not want to be left apart from not feeling what everyone else is feeling.

This stage usually happens when one is at the peak of his/her youth. The maturity of analyzing the real feelings or just the idea of experiencing those feelings comes with age and experience.

This viewpoint is to make one ponder about what happened and what is happening…It is not about making anyone skeptic about his/her relationship (if one is already into).

This is just to stop him/her for a moment…think and look inwards and ask…

Whether it is love or is it just the idea of being in love?

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Narration:-

Why do I feel like I don’t belong?
Sometimes feel like dying .

————————————————————————————–

Narration:-

I often think to quit from my life, because of studies pressure and my relationship with my girlfriend. What shall I do now?

Please guide me?

Related posts:

1. Can You Help Me ? Post #1
2. Was it love? Or was it the idea of being in love?